Happy 4th of July Everyone!
Ha. Last night, we went to bed to the sound of people throwing fireworks off their boats. You see, practically any type of firecracker is allowed here….so you know…fire crackers and boys= pure BLISS! There is this one especially called Seal bombs (no…they are not used to kill seals. They are just a bigger type of firecracker) Today the guys got excited and threw one in the water and yelped after it exploded. A few days ago we (meaning the guys, not me) put one inside a soda can and it blew it to pieces. Ha. Oh boys.
Before coming to Alaska, I was excited for the 4th…but then I forgot that it never gets dark here! Ha…so fireworks are still fun, but definitely not the same.
I was reflecting on this exact time last year and Josh and I had been married for about two weeks. I remember feeling so tan and fit. We spent most of the night laughing with our close friends, Jess and Tim and Lib and Jess’s friend Rachel while we watched fireworks by Sequoia school. I remember sharing and reminiscing about our wedding day because it was so fresh in my mind and how it was one of the best days ever.
Today as I sit here while it rains and the boys are fishing for most of the day, I first thought of that memory and became a lil sad. Last year this day we didn’t know then what was lied ahead of us, or how changed out lived would be. We didn’t know what was to come! (but aren’t we so thankful that we don’t?) I mean, we have had a wonderful first year together, but it has also been super hard. This includes Just dealing with how to live with one another, communication as well as a lot of family issues that was going to weigh on our shoulders. But, knowing what I know now, I would never take this first year back because it has made me stronger as a woman and a wife, let alone a sister, daughter, friend…etc.
I also reminisced about this time last year while working on scrapbooking my wedding album (yes…I just started…this is one of my goals to get mostly done while I am here!) I was looking at wedding pictures, and looking back on how hard I worked out for that day and became more sad and then frustrated. I began to pray and ask the Lord to help me get over this “image” I had of myself and how I should look this way, should eat better, or should i? …blah blah blah.
I then realized it’s so toxic to think this way. One of the best things on this trip has helped me strip my negative self-image. I don’t have a full length mirror to look at my outfits in; I don’t have a hairdryer, makeup (ok …just mascara and tinted moisturizer but I hardly wear it!) curling iron, flat iron, let alone cute outfits, I’m in the dang wilderness!(what was I thinking? Ha-ha) I didn’t realize that this has been one of the biggest hardships for me. I have always been self-conscious about my awful skin. But the only mirror we have is in the cooking cabin and its tiny (of course, boys live here). I shower every three or four days (and camping without a shower for that long is brutal…but at least I have a shower!!) My hair is an afro when I wake up and I wear dirty clothes because I have to wait for the sun to come out to do clothes by hand. But honestly, I have been finding that being a servant to Josh and Caleb, loving myself and NOT caring is way more beautiful than anything I could wear. I know that sounds simple, but it’s the hardest thing, I think especially for a woman. I have been making big, hearty meals for the guys and of course eat some myself, and then I start freaking out if I have gained any weight. My goodness, our minds can be such war zones to who we REALLY are! Such lies, and yet so easy to believe. I am wonderfully and beautifully made. Who cares about my hair, or my makeup? Really! And I have found myself not even looking the mirror lately, thinking about my weight or caring what I look like. I am blessed because every day my husband tells me I am breathtakingly beautiful. That he is so thankful that I am supporting him. Those words and the heart behind those words alone are worth more than any makeup to make cover my insecurities...
Sorry that I am venting but this has been on my heart the whole time. I know that this has been one of the things that God is trying to strip me free of. To free me from being captive to my negative thoughts or reminiscing on how I think I should look. Don’t get me wrong, I need to take care of my body, and that is worth it! J
So…all to say, I remember this time last year, and it makes me miss my close friends, but instead of making me sad that I don’t look “as good” as I did, I rejoice because I am only who I can be today. One day at a time and CHOOSE to not believe these lies. I am in Alaska for heaven’s sake, with a man who loves me and could care less about what i look like and with a God who wants to mold me into a beautiful woman, not on the outside, but to the very core…to my heart. And this is worth more than anything to me.
Sooo. Yeah. The sun is poking through right now, so I am going to read, or skip….or do nothing if I want. Sigh. And I am so okay with that.
Love you all.
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